For most bikers I know, riding their motorcycle is easy: they get dressed, they hop on their machine, start the engine and go have a blast. As it should be.
Many motorcyclists will also tell you that riding is like a therapy for them, that when they are on the bike they feel in control and none of their worries matter so long the momentum is there.
For me things are not that easy, unfortunately.
Unfortunately, I’m one of those people you might call “an over-thinker” or “anxiety ridden” or whatever; terminology doesn’t matter to me here because regardless of what The Scientists may call it, my pain is real.
I love motorcycles. Since a very young age I’ve loved motorcycles. I love being on two wheels, it’s the most “natural” way of traveling for me whether that back wheel is powered by my legs or an engine, it doesn’t matter to me I enjoy it. I don’t even mind sitting in the rain for hours on end or facing the cold weather, it’s part of the fun.
And I do get the adrenaline rush of driving fast* (*that’s a relative, 130km/h is plenty fast for me already).
However getting to the point where I finally sit on my machine and start the engine is a struggle.
It’s the same struggle I have asking people out, or taking drumming lessons, or going to a party: I really really really want to, but I just can’t.
I have this thing in my head that finds a million and one reasons not to:
What if I drop the machine and break it? What if a bolt is loose because I didn’t check it before driving off? What if Loki somehow hurts himself while I’m out? What if I left the balcony door open and he escapes? If I go for a ride now I might not find a parking spot when I come back, and then I have nowhere to park it. What if I used the wrong type of fuel and the gas station? Yadda yadda yadda.
It goes on forever to the point where I just decide: you know what, I’ll just skip it for today, I can always do it later.
But what if there’s no later?
Eventually there won’t be a ‘later’ anymore.
So sometimes I make plans to have commitments that I can’t escape (at least not easily) in order to force myself to get on that bike and ride it. Unfortunately it’s not that easy to have commitments that force you to ride a motorcycle because a) if I need to go somewhere I can always take my leg-bike b) I don’t know many people that I would make plans with.
But even when I have those forced plans, getting on the machine is still a struggle to the point where as soon as I sit on it I’m so mentally exhausted that I can’t really focus, which of course generates even more anxiety because who wants to sit on a 110hp machine and not be focused. Add to that the fact that usually I’m so stressed out that I can’t eat or drink and I end up in a really bad position when it comes to being focused.
The sidecar helped for the ‘leaving Loki alone’ part for sure, but it came with its own sources of “fear”: I don’t like driving cars because they are too wide, and I’m not centered so I don’t know how large I am to my right; it’s the same with the sidecar. I also have fairly low clearance due to the sidecar frames, so bumpy roads can get tricky.
All in all, as much as I like the convenience of the sidecar to take Loki with me safely, I don’t really “enjoy” riding with it, I’m always thinking of all the bad things that could happen: I hit the curb on the right and get thrown of the machine; I hit a bump in the road and get thrown of the machine; I drive too much on the left to compensate and get knocked off by incoming traffic. You get the jist.
So why do I keep trying?
Because I have to, otherwise I might just be dead already.
Next time I’ll be talking about some accessories I bought for the bike, because spending money on it is another way to motivate myself to use it! (even if it doesn’t work) Fun, fun, fun!
In case you’re thinking “but you just have to work on your confidence”: unfortunately that’s not the source of the issue. I did my license in Germany so I’ve received one of the best training in the world by an excellent instructor at that and I’m very confident in my riding skills; I’m not scared once I’m on the road.
